Here’s a question from a thought provoking Motivational Interviewing & Beyond webinar I attended last week: in the very moment of our best intentions to help and support people, could we actually be doing harm?
Unsettling, isn’t it?
The MI & Beyond webinars bring together audiences from around the world. Co-hosts Joel Porter and MI co-founder Stephen Rollnick have very open, stimulating conversations with special guests on a range of topics at the heart of the MI way of supporting people change and grow.
“.... MI is a particular way of talking with people about change and growth to strengthen their own motivation and commitment. ”
This most recent one had the somewhat puzzling title of “harmology” - not a word you’re likely to find in any dictionary, though capturing the unsettling truth that, no matter the very best intentions, how we interact with others may sometimes do harm.
Much of the conversation was from the view of therapists and other practitioners in the field of addictions - what one of the guests, Shaun Shelly, termed the business of harm reduction.
a catalogue of rogues and well meaning bunglers
Stephen opened by identifying different sources and forms of harm so as to narrow the focus of the webinar. He suggested the following typical “harmers”:
sadistic abusers: those who purposefully inflict suffering on others. For the conversation with a predominantly therapeutic audience, Stephen was quick to put such abusers to one side. It made me think, though, of the kind of coach who believes those they work with should suffer as they have suffered, emphasising gruelling rigour and “no gain without pain.” Not so easy for us to dismiss as irrelevant outliers.
blaggers (Stephen used a harsher term): those who alight on a mantra-heavy belief in how to be, vehemently holding it to be unquestionably true, as if keepers of the one and only “right” way of how things should be done. In the coaching world I think of this as a form of ego driven, performative coaching rather than genuinely athlete centred.
the unaware: those who, in Stephen’s words, “don’t know any better”, unwitting and unaware of the negative impact they can have. Here’s where we might think of pushy parents or coaches shouting from the side lines, perhaps through never having been taught or shown more supportive ways of being. It also made me think of how so much of coach education still comes from a place of the coach as the all knowing expert - the idea of our coaching as something that we do to people rather than with them.
the unintended harmers: Stephen referred to therapists who, in pursuit of a dedicated, purist approach that is actually unlikely to be appropriate for everyone, leave the client more stuck or taken to an unhelpful place. It made me think of a kind of power dynamic in coaching (no doubt present in some therapy) - where the so-called expert holds sway on what is supposed to be unquestionably “good.” Who owns the “right way” is a question I ask of myself and in conversations with other coaches.
Bit of a minefield!
boundaried empathy
Interestingly, one potential pitfall, which applies particularly to the last two above, came up early on: an over-simplified, over-use of empathy.
Guest contributor Brendan Murphy highlighted that by empathising with a person’s particular emotion we can inadvertently leave them (and ourselves) stuck in their feelings - as if amplifying rather than helping them understand, make sense and move beyond.
I’m conscious of how I can be when a client shares how anxious they are about an impending challenge they are taking on. I can feel in myself the emotions when I have been faced with difficult challenges: that feeling of overwhelm, of not being ready or taking on too much but not able to back out. Those feelings can run deep in me. But is it really helpful to take myself and those I’m with to such a place? Worst still, to leave us both there, languishing in the uncertainty?
Brendan talked about looking at what lies behind the emotion. Giving the example of sadness, he suggested that this generally comes from some form of loss. So rather than staying with the sadness, it can be helpful to empathise with the loss someone has suffered, to show that this is understood and that they are not alone.
Back to my coaching, I might ask my anxious client to think about what lies behind their feelings, all in an open, sensitive, non-judgemental way - and putting aside any of my baggage. It might be an uncertain sense of the unknown, of never having been in that kind of environment before; or possibly a fear of failure, of being judged by others or themselves - either of which I can show an empathetic understanding of, acknowledging the feelings whilst exploring with them what might help.
Brendan also talked about the need to limit the scope of our empathy - as if putting boundaries around what might otherwise be too broad and deep. He talked about directing our attention to the specific situation in which someone may be feeling a sadness for a certain loss - not all the loss and trauma they have suffered. Similarly, I need to remain focused on the specific anxiety-inducing situations those I work with are experiencing, not all their past unsettling doubts and uncertainties.
And here’s where as a sports coach I need to be very mindful of my boundaries. I am not there to resolve deeper self-doubts or fears, though can help someone feel “understood and not alone” in the specific situation that confronts them, such as entering the fast flowing waters of a big river or rough sea swim, a daunting off-road bike challenge or their first triathlon.
intention
In this respect, in the webinar I held in mind a particular client who I’d talked with the day before. J came to me a few months earlier, recovering from a seriously life threatening and debilitating illness - and wanting to do their first triathlon as part of a defiant reclaiming their health and life. When we first met I asked what would help from a coach. “I need you to be brave” was the answer.
As we started working together - learning to swim front crawl, tentatively getting back on a bike (previously their passion) and into walk/runs - it became clear that the biggest risk is over-stretching themselves. Such is their enthusiasm and sheer excitement at what they can now do, just months on from leaving hospital unable to walk unaided, that it’s all too easy to tip over into overwhelming fatigue. On that call J told me they had spent three days in bed to recover: “I didn’t just hit the wall, Mike. I smacked into the bedroom floor.”
And here’s the thing. Much of the webinar was around those instances where we unintentionally say or do something that might undermine or leave someone no further forward in their feelings. I have to be really aware and vigilant about such potential harm in my coaching.
Yet J’s experience also highlights a different form of harm and intention. For J and others who come to me for coaching for a big challenge, there can be an element of knowingly taking themselves to a place of pain - so, in one sense, an intended harm. The swimmer preparing for a really long event, an ultra marathoner, a would-be Ironman triathlete or a mountain biker readying themselves for a 24 hour plus challenge are all knowingly going to places of extreme exhaustion and pain. And J’s burning desire for an active life, coupled with the excitement at what they have already been able to do, is accompanied by pain (which J scores for me to be aware of) and always just one mis-step away from exhaustion and set back.
My response, as with every other client, must involve a deeply respectful, sometime “brave” readiness to accompany them in their challenge, whilst being acutely aware of my duty of care. Coaching at the outer edge of harm and help.
And what a privilege to be with such “resolute warriors” (to borrow a phrase from the wonderful School of Life’s Art Against Despair). Step by step we find a way, exploring together the outer limits of what is possible. And then go beyond them.
Please leave a comment in the space below. I’d love to know your thoughts and reflections. In the meantime…
