Compassion is one of those words that is increasingly appearing in the vocabulary of coaching – though often without a clear understanding of what it actually is or its place in coaching practice. We might think of it as something admirably warm and fuzzy, a nice add-on to have that a few outlying coaches talk about – but not your “normal” coaching. Or maybe an occasional dose of sympathy to those momentarily in need - yet not really for those pursuing hard results in so-called high performing arenas.
In contrast, I believe compassion needs to be a constant, fundamental, defining characteristic of coaching at all levels, ages and ambitions. So it was a real pleasure to host an online session last week for British Triathlon coaches on what compassion looks and feels like in our coaching practice – with special guest Laurence Cassøe Halsted, a two-time Olympian fencer and one of the driving forces in The True Athlete Project (more on which below).
“This is Brought to You By…”
The session was the latest in an occasional series of webinars hosted by a small Community of Practice of triathlon coaches I belong to. Our Community of Practice meets once a month to share experiences and challenges, support and learn from each other.
Last year we approached British Triathlon and volunteered to run a series of conversational webinars for the wider triathlon coaching community. Each one focuses on a particular topic and generally involves a guest with great insights and experience to bring. The format is informal, interactive, allowing space for reflection. You might say a model of compassionate learning.
Acts of Compassion and the Before & After
And what an interesting, thought-provoking conversation we had.
Rather than start with a standard definition of compassion, I asked everyone to think of an instance where we have experienced compassion from someone else. Not necessarily anything to do with our coaching; quietly recalling for a few moments what happened. I had two key questions which formed running themes of the session: what was the distinctive act of compassion, in other words what was actually done; and secondly, how did it leave us feeling, focusing on the before and after.
Try it and you’ll find it's emotive stuff!
When I practised this on myself in preparation for the webinar at first I found it hard to think of any memorable instances. And then they came: some one-off and having a lasting impact; others more of a constant feature in an on-going relationship. I thought of how one person listens to me in an attentive, interested way, then goes on to challenge me to recognise connections or reminds me of when I have done more than I allow myself to recall. In this way I might start from a rather muddled, doubting place and end up with greater clarity and self-belief. Another instance came to mind where I was helped out in a very practical, significant way. What I recall now is not only the generously given, much needed help but that it came with an empathetic understanding of how I must have been feeling.
And each recollection brought renewed, deeper gratitude.
On to our Coaching
From there we got into thinking about how compassion shows up in our own coaching. How would those we coach think of our coaching? Would they recognise some of those qualities and acts we had recalled?
The examples participants shared were powerful and insightful. One common theme was of creating a calm space in which we are able to genuinely listen and be attentive to the diverse needs of the people in front of us – compassion as involving a stilling composure that leaves those we are with feeling seen and heard.
Not easy, I know, in the busy, noisy, typically chaotic environment of a club session. Here’s where I believe our coaching can have an element of a magical mastery of time – a few brief moments of concentrated focus on the person or people in front of us making the time fly by and colouring their experience of the whole session; or a moment of inattentiveness impacting in a way to drag out an interminable hour.
Another example I was particularly struck by involved a generous holding back from insisting on keeping to what had always been done before – in this case letting a young person move from where they had been allocated, with an open curiosity to find out why rather than insisting on what might have been thought of as where they “should” be. I had a sense of a quiet, respectful curiosity and readiness to be supportive. And part of the before and after involved the young person revealing something very important to the coach that they would otherwise kept to themselves.
A common theme in the examples was also a sense of the uniqueness of the people in front of us, treating each with a respectful attentiveness – reminding me of co-founder of Motivational Interviewing Stephen Rollnick’s (a friend and mentor) three Cs: to be calm, curious and compassionate.
The Breadth & Depth of Compassion
Laurence outlined for us the vision of the True Athlete Project and its work with UK Sport and other organisations: of sport as a fundamentally positive source for good. TAP sees this as three overlapping areas of action: compassion in the pursuit of high performance; in athlete’s wellbeing; and in being a positive influence in the wider community.
Notice the breadth of vision - compassion not as an occasional reaction to a particular need (though that of course may be required). Instead compassion as a whole way of being, shaping how an athlete achieves their particular sporting goals, in tune with the rest of their lives and a responsibility for playing a positive role in society. As set out on their site, the vision also embraces coaches: “skilled in nurturing the holistic, long-term development of each and every athlete they support.”
self-compassion
Laurence’s own story of competing in two successive Olympics also spoke powerfully of self-compassion. In the first, as he described it, he was driven by a harsh, win at all costs mentality. Looking back, it was clear this made performing and dealing with things not going to plan extremely hard. Brought to the point of having to reassess what winning meant, what he really valued and person he wanted to be, he found himself better able to deal first with a potentially devastating injury just months before the second Olympics and then in the Games up against a superior competitor, at one point facing a wipe out yet somehow drawing level.
And it was on the note of self-compassion that we drew the webinar to a close. I suggested we each think about how we might show ourselves some self-compassion in our coaching - what form that might that take and how we want to feel as a result? The before and after effect.
in closing
Two final points from a rich conversation. Back to the question of how we define compassion that I said I wanted to leave to one side at the start of the session.
“Compassion as a conscious act of attentiveness to another’s - and to our own - feelings and an open-minded readiness to do something to help .”
The examples and themes we came up with, Laurence’s revealing story as an athlete and the work of The True Athlete Project lead me to the following way of thinking about compassion.
And the butterfly? One of the ways TAP seeks to become better known and spread its message of a more compassionate culture of sport is through volunteer advocates known as Butterflies. I recently became one myself.
Like the chaos theory idea of a butterfly flapping its wings and somehow an effect rippling through the universe, we can have an impact far beyond what we realise. This might be simply by talking about compassion in sport, taking opportunities to share experiences such as in Communities of Practices, club meetings and other fora. Above all, it will be in how we are with others and how they are left feeling.
And maybe that’s a key take-away: that we never know just how far a small, simple act of attentiveness and support for others (and to ourselves) can go.
Feel free to leave your own reflections and thoughts in the comment box below.
Many thanks to Laurence and to everyone else who joined us for the session, and to British Triathlon’s Coach Development Team for enabling it to happen - all truly appreciated.